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het_reccersLet me preface this by saying: this is crackfic of the most glorious kind. Also, my icon is kinda non-linearly appropriate.
Fandom Category: Twilight
Pairing: Bella Swan's blood/Edward Cullen
Fic Title: Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dollsome
Link: http://dollsome.livejournal.com/1447186.html
Rating/Warning(s): Pg-13ish? For crude humor?
Genre: CRACK FIC.
WIP?: No
Why This Must Be Read: No, wait! Don't turn away! THIS FIC IS FOR YOU. It is glorious and hilarious, and onlydollsome could ever get me to read Twilight fic. I just... man, I love this fic. Read it, and laugh hysterically. Please read the author's note if you wanna be forewarned about the "crass" nature of the fic, but seriously, just read the fic.
He hovers inconspicuously behind Bella while she borrows a few ibuprofen from Jessica in between classes.
Oh my God, Jessica thinks, she is like an actual human with actual human ailments and cramps and stuff, who could have seen it? Oh my God, I hope she skips out on gym today, and not just because she is on our team for volleyball and she is like as graceful as Dumbo, seriously, wait, is Dumbo graceful? God, I haven’t seen that movie in forever. I can’t remember. Anyway, as graceful as an elephant, not that I’ve ever seen an elephant fall over or anything, but I bet they must be pretty clumsy, they’re so HUGE. Greedy bitch, I hope she doesn’t take all my ibuprofen, like, hi Bella, guess what, there are actual other people with needs in the world too, and I might— Oh God, when was the last time I had my period, it was like, really long ago, wasn’t it, oh my God!, Maybe I’m pregnant, even though, okay, I haven’t exactly slept with anybody. Maybe it’s immaculate conception! Oh my God, that would be so bitchin’, I mean, I wouldn’t want to get all fat or anything but can you imagine how powerful I would be if my kid was Jesus II? So powerful. I bet I would be a total MILF, too, maybe Mike would finally ask me out if I mothered the second Jesus, and then he would stop making eyes at Bella, everyone thinks I don’t notice but it’s so wicked obvious all the time, hi, I’m not blind, God, how did she get a boyfriend and I don’t have one, even if Edward Cullen is kind of a super-freak, even though he’s so fine (I would totally let him tap this if I was Jesus II’s sexy MILF and Mike was still being retarded), and hey, it’s kind of weird that Edward is just hanging around, doesn’t he get that menstruation is LADY BUSINESS—
Edward turns around abruptly and focuses his attention on the first male he sees.
“Hello, Eric.”
“Um,” Eric says. “Hi Edward?”
“How about that … game last night? Wasn’t it compelling?”
“Which one?”
“Any of them,” Edward says hopelessly. For the first time, he briefly wonders whether it might be good for him to expand his interests, hobbies, etc. beyond Bella. And listening to Linkin Park. He has been flirting with the idea of taking up calligraphy.
“Uh, yeah,” Eric says. “It was great.”
Weirdo, thinks Eric, and walks away.
Fandom Category: Twilight
Pairing: Bella Swan
Fic Title: Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward
Author:
dollsomeLink: http://dollsome.livejournal.com/1447186.html
Rating/Warning(s): Pg-13ish? For crude humor?
Genre: CRACK FIC.
WIP?: No
Why This Must Be Read: No, wait! Don't turn away! THIS FIC IS FOR YOU. It is glorious and hilarious, and only
dollsome could ever get me to read Twilight fic. I just... man, I love this fic. Read it, and laugh hysterically. Please read the author's note if you wanna be forewarned about the "crass" nature of the fic, but seriously, just read the fic.He hovers inconspicuously behind Bella while she borrows a few ibuprofen from Jessica in between classes.
Oh my God, Jessica thinks, she is like an actual human with actual human ailments and cramps and stuff, who could have seen it? Oh my God, I hope she skips out on gym today, and not just because she is on our team for volleyball and she is like as graceful as Dumbo, seriously, wait, is Dumbo graceful? God, I haven’t seen that movie in forever. I can’t remember. Anyway, as graceful as an elephant, not that I’ve ever seen an elephant fall over or anything, but I bet they must be pretty clumsy, they’re so HUGE. Greedy bitch, I hope she doesn’t take all my ibuprofen, like, hi Bella, guess what, there are actual other people with needs in the world too, and I might— Oh God, when was the last time I had my period, it was like, really long ago, wasn’t it, oh my God!, Maybe I’m pregnant, even though, okay, I haven’t exactly slept with anybody. Maybe it’s immaculate conception! Oh my God, that would be so bitchin’, I mean, I wouldn’t want to get all fat or anything but can you imagine how powerful I would be if my kid was Jesus II? So powerful. I bet I would be a total MILF, too, maybe Mike would finally ask me out if I mothered the second Jesus, and then he would stop making eyes at Bella, everyone thinks I don’t notice but it’s so wicked obvious all the time, hi, I’m not blind, God, how did she get a boyfriend and I don’t have one, even if Edward Cullen is kind of a super-freak, even though he’s so fine (I would totally let him tap this if I was Jesus II’s sexy MILF and Mike was still being retarded), and hey, it’s kind of weird that Edward is just hanging around, doesn’t he get that menstruation is LADY BUSINESS—
Edward turns around abruptly and focuses his attention on the first male he sees.
“Hello, Eric.”
“Um,” Eric says. “Hi Edward?”
“How about that … game last night? Wasn’t it compelling?”
“Which one?”
“Any of them,” Edward says hopelessly. For the first time, he briefly wonders whether it might be good for him to expand his interests, hobbies, etc. beyond Bella. And listening to Linkin Park. He has been flirting with the idea of taking up calligraphy.
“Uh, yeah,” Eric says. “It was great.”
Weirdo, thinks Eric, and walks away.
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